I have hit the proverbial brick wall. Again. I keep running into it over and over. Smacking my forehead when I can clearly see those bright red bricks right in front of my face. Will this vicious cycle ever end? I am in a panic, a crisis. I have learned with each passing year that the grown-ups weren't lying when they said each year passes more quickly as you get older. Now, with time flying by at warp speed, knowing that tomorrow is my 40th birthday (not actually, but that's how it feels), and with singledom beating my brains in day after day, I fear for my life. The life I most passionately desire. I fear that I will never have the life which lingers on the other side of that towering barrier of bricks. The life that holds a husband who loves me dearly and is my best friend, who adores the children we have together, who shares a home with me. This life seems so close and is yet so far. Only meters away but blocked by the taunting, terrible wall. And what's worse...I can imagine it. I get small samplings of what it might be like as my friends get married off and I remain on the bench. Like the last one picked for the soccer team during P.E. ...Or will I end up the one who was never picked?
Every guy who wants me is a guy unworthy of my time, and every guy I want is one who has deemed me unworthy of his. But is it me who keeps screwing things up? Am I sabotoging myself due to some underlying fear or non-readiness which knows me better than my conscious mind? Are there two parts within me fighting against each other? Enemies in the Man Battle? Perhaps I consist of one half: marriage, one half: so afraid, due to abandonment issues, the former will come true that I happily, with simultaneous reluctance, welcome the demise of a good relationship. Thus, I push away the ones who want me and chase the ones I can never have. What fear must come with pursuing a man who's rejected you already? None. Just like the brick wall...you may run into it over and over again. And while it does hurt each time, at least you begin to grow a calloused welt on your forehead and you learn what to expect. There's no challenge, no risk, no real hurt involved in a situation where the object of your pursuit gives you no chance to offer your heart. One can't break what he doesn't possess. So as long as I keep my love right in here, securely fastened inside my ribcage, I will embark upon this empty journey, forehead bruised but heart intact. Almost. If the damn longing to have what I won't allow myself to have would just go away, then it would indeed be a fully intact heart.
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wow and later that day you still said yes. and you still came out the following wednesday. and for another week said what you did.
ReplyDeleteand the intro to the second paragraph... apparently i'm not worthy of your time.
i don't know if that hurts more or less. if you where trying to break this cycle or if i was just your distraction.
love, danny